The Right to be Yourself
Original:
The Veil is a requirement for all women that prohibits men from seeing too much of women. This then makes women feel like they need to hide their true self when around other people (305). This head piece and dress robes take away these women's individuality and forms them into a big blog.

Corrected Version:
The Veil is a requirement for all women that prohibits men from seeing too much of women.  This then makes women feel like they need to hide their true self around other people (305). The head piece and dress robes takes away a woman's individuality and she therefor looses her outstanding qualities, resulting with her being just another makeup less face in a crowded of veiled women.

Reasons Why:
The original version of this essay excert was alright, but there were many grammatical errors such as tenses and first person versus third person voice. Also, in the original excerpt, I used the word "blob" which is very non descriptive and slang. I replaced blob with "another face in the crowd" to portray a more powerful imagery and eliminate any slang from my writing.

~Sahale Greenwood